Mental Health – Disassociation – When Daydreaming Wins over

Mental Health – Disassociation – When Daydreaming wins over

Word of warning – This post is going to be a lot rawer than my everyday work.

Disassociation can be likened to excessive daydreaming or zoning out. Everyone does it, and it is a normal coping mechanism that can be very healthy. However, everyone feels it in their own way, and how I feel may not be exactly how someone else feels.

Mental health is a bitch. It’s straight up from the toe up a horrible thing to navigate, and it doesn’t matter which side you are on – Mental health is a bitch. They have a saying, “Mental illness doesn’t run through my family; it gallops!” While I can not attest to the bulk of my family, what I do know supports this.

Never let one person’s experience invalidate your own.

When I was younger, I experienced a point in my life where my dreams were so vivid, and real I felt like I was awake. In my dreams, I was happy. Actually happy. A feeling I cannot remember at this time, and one I really truly long for. During my waking hours – and I’m truly sorry, I love my family, and any reading this may be surprised – I lived in hell and couldn’t comprehend everything about it. In reality, I was very loved, fortunate to have a family that cares, but at that time, it was a dark period where life had no sun.

During this time, I started to become confused as to what was real and what was not. Maybe, unfortunately, I was very good at masking – or good enough, I never had to get help for my problems.

Disassociation is normal for all people

Recently I went through a difficult period and one day had such a massive disassociation episode triggered by stress; I felt as if I was in three places at once.

Suddenly I was a pre-teen walking up the hill I grew up on, blackberries waiting to be picked, gravel crunching under my feet as I walked past the excavator bucket, someone turned into a garden. Yet I was also at my friend {reality} sitting in her back yard, while also being at an old house I lived in at one time.

I have noticed a decline in my mental health these last few months, working hard to stay above the spiral. People do not realize how stressful masking can be, how hard it is to push through to the other side when you want to lay down and rollover. When dealing with mental health issues, the sheer force of will it takes to interact and be “normal.”

In the end, I think the most painful part of living with mental health is being accused of not being something – not being sympathetic, not being level-headed or dedicated. It is challenging to work with all your mental might to be something you think is right (be it morally etc.) to be told you are not that. It calls into question everything you are and do. For instance, I value compassion and understanding because, frankly, it’s what I want from others. To have someone, for example, tell me I am not a sympathetic person or say I am cold, uncaring is a deep insult when it’s everything I try to be.

Disassociation and mental health

Depression and Anxiety, two halves of the whole

If I am not these things I have worked to become, what has the point been? If I am putting the mental energy into making sure those around me feel secure, loved and cared for – and I’m not – what in God’s name am I doing? Why am I wasting my life doing something and just spinning my wheels in the sand?

Who am I if the foundation of who I think I am, is untrue? As I struggle to understand my mental health, I struggle to understand what society expects of me. It’s all well and good to say that society expects nothing of me but to be happy; the frightening thing about that is I don’t know if I can be.

It brings me to the question I think about daily.

Is it even possible to be happy? Due to my brain structure, is that even an attainable goal? What is my purpose, or what is the meaning of life when I can not even maintain a primary human emotion?

If you need someone to talk to, please reach out. Mental health is no joke and something to be taken seriously.

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